Career Reset

What’s next?

Where do I go from here?

How do I get unstuck?

What are my options?

Which one should I pursue?

If you’ve ever faced a career dilemma you can probably relate to these questions. There may be too many options, or not enough, or just no obvious front-runner: hence the stuckness.

My conversations with clients have helped me develop a framework for moving away from the stuckness, toward something meaningful and satisfying. I call it a “career reset.” (A quick note: These conversations are not only about work; they’re also about how to spend time during retirement, or where to volunteer, or how to define and move toward a life that feels more meaningful, at any age.)

In those “career reset” conversations I’ve noticed three themes that stand out as we’re trying to understand the stuckness and define a career path. I think of them as three needs for moving toward a meaningful career.

Describing my Work with Couples

Recently, a client in couple’s therapy, who was obviously struggling with our work, asked me about the purpose of therapy and how it works. I thought it was a good question, and, surprisingly, one that I had been asked directly only a handful of times in my many years of working with couples. With his wife also in the therapy session, the three of us discussed his questions, but it was a brief conversation and left me wanting to give a more complete response. That led me to begin thinking more about how I would describe what actually happens in couples therapy and how I would capture that in writing. Below is my attempt to do so.

I think of this as a draft that will continue to be re-written and updated through time. Having articulated these ideas, having put them on paper, lets me step back and consider them from a little distance.

Building Preferences – Being Less Grumpy

As promised in my last entry on Building Preferences, here’s an example of building a preference. The preference is for Dave, who has been struggling for several months with what he’s come to call his “grumpiness” at home. We’ll walk with Dave through the process of building a preference. Although Dave is fictitious, the dialogue that follows is based on many therapy conversations. 

1. Naming your preference. Dave is clear only about what he doesn’t want – the problem that is causing such a negative feeling for him and a disheartening spirit at home with his wife and two kids: grumpiness. At first he states his preference as:

• “I’d prefer to be less grumpy.”

Narrating Intentions

How can couples break away from those familiar conversations that get stuck in point-and-counterpoint, accusation and defense? Conversations where the content is lost to a frustrating, confusing process? 

One answer might be found at the movies, in the voice of the narrator: that disembodied voice that speaks from outside the movie or on top of its action, that helps set the historical context, explains a key plot point, or conveys thoughts that would otherwise be only “in the head” of a character. 

The voice of the narrator came to mind recently when working with a married couple, Maria and George, who were frustrated by a regularly occurring conversation that would lead to nowhere but misunderstanding, defensiveness and distance.